I remember one time in 7th grade my team won the season of whatever sport we were playing in PE. Our reward was to get out of daily running. I’m pretty sure I never even thought about what I did next. Without hesitation, I asked Coach Kastner if I could run anyways. Heckkkk no was I going to sit in the middle and do nothing, while everyone else got to move and be active. He told me he liked that attitude. I remember also when I was that young I did like 20 pushups every night before bed. No one told me to do that or suggested it. Then in eighth grade I started going to the high school to lift weights for football. My dad whipped out his old school equipment and taught me a lot of stuff in the basement. I was hooked.
I loved the feeling, the high you get after a tough grueling workout. I loved the hard work required of lifting weights. I love the feeling of being in shape and always being ready for any type of manual labor or sports challenge. I also loved sports. My favorite class in high school was by far strength training. I remember most years I got away with doing my own thing at weights and not the program required of the class, because I tried so hard. I also loved Anatomy and learning about the muscles. I loved being slim and still putting up respectable numbers. Since I started lifting in eighth grade, with the exception of 2.5 months in Costa Rica where I did hundred of pushups and such, I never took more than two weeks off of lifting. I couldn’t stop or let my gains go. If you weren’t as fit as me, I totally looked down on you.
Long story short I studied Exercise Science in college and became a Personal Trainer. The industry sickens me. It has to be one of the most self-centered environments there is. I saw literally hundreds of people everyday completely infatuated with themselves, their appearance, how much bigger/sculpted than the person next to them, the mirror, etc. I grew even more sickened when I realized on some level I was no different.
Why did I lift weights? Why did I put so much time and effort into exercise? Why did I try so hard at simple pickup games that were supposed to be for fun? Pride. My image. Boosting my ego. I realized a huge reason I lifted weights was aesthetics, which happens to be something I wholeheartedly knock in other people and things. My aesthetics was just different: in place of fancy clothes, phones, houses and cars, mine was my physique.
It bothered me so much that I would never be more than ‘decent’ at weights. It bothered me even more how average I was at sports, even though I had played them my whole life. The cards I was dealt apparently weren't good enough. Looking at it now it easily makes sense why I was so dissatisfied. I made athletics and fitness the center of my life. That was what was important and if you didn’t take part in it, you were not as good as me. I harbored an unhealthy competitiveness that has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. I sought those things for fulfillment, when real fulfillment only comes from Jesus. No wonder I was bitter and cynical everyday.
I had to take a break. I had to put it down. My last day at Lifetime Fitness, where it is understandably required that trainers work out everyday, was October 13th, 2012 and I haven’t touched a weight since. I also stopped playing weekly basketball for a while. I hated it. I hated how much I sucked. If I didn’t score very many points I was bitter. I realized I made it all about me and getting mine, when ball at church is about everyone else who comes through that door.
I’m still kind of in recovery, if you will, and doing much better. I’ve started working out again, but only with body weight exercises and running and recreational activities. I helped a guy I used to work for when I was home for winter. We had to carry a large couch thing up stairs and I was wheezing. I was out of breath and it was hard. That was new for me!! I was so used to having a mentality of not ever having to worry if I was fit/capable enough to handle something like that. Needless to say, that bothered me a ton and I set out immediately to get back in shape.
I will say that helped me to be more sympathetic to those who are not hardcore towards taking care of their bodies. God uses everything for good. And now I’m so much more happy and content with exercise. I've learned to just play the cards I was dealt and be content with that. This thinking alone has brought me a ton of peace. I am much more capable of handling the fact I’m not really excellent at anything and it’s okay if I don’t exercise everyday. There is more to life. Like Jesus.
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are usually right.
-Henry A. Ford
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